Thursday, July 30, 2009

Baseball Bat Pepper Mill: Spice Your Salad Then Beat Some A$$

I have no idea how this random combination came to be, but I'm sure it involved a 24-pack of PBR, a mullet, and a 20-dollar taxi ride to the patent office.

Buy one of these bat boys (zing!) here.

iPhone Sleeve: Baconpressive. Most Baconpressive.



1) I love bacon. My cholesterol can vouch for that.
2) I love iPhone accessories.
3) I once had a cut on my finger, so I put bacon on it and it healed in just five days. True story.

Buy this rad iPhone sleeve here for only $43. (Dang, that's a little pricey in this economic climate.)

So True

I'm not sure what's worse. The fact that he looks like a deranged, roided out Ronald McDonald - or the confirmation that the drapes actually do match the carpet. Gah.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Stop Smelling Like A



Stop smelling like warm garbage or dried Elmer's Glue with Doc Bottoms' new Aspray. You can use Aspray on your "pungent pits, foul feet, or beastly butt odor." (exact wording - no lie) This miracle product apparently eliminates odor-causing bacteria ... that you deem inappropriate to actually wash off with a simple shower. Really, who has time to shower these days? Why shower at all when you can drench every crevice of your body with Aspray? Accidentally shart your pants? Break out the Aspray! Did you have relations with a brothel bunny and forget to shower? Break out the Aspray!

I'll never bathe again - THANK YOU, ASPRAY!

The First One to Pass Out Always Gets Screwed



Don't act like it's never happened to you. Bras get frozen, dudes get phones shoved in orifices and the permanent markers come out. Holy Taco has posted a hilarious gallery of drunken shaming photos. Enjoy the rest of them here.

Adorable Little Cash


The cutest little version of Johnny Cash's 'Folsom Prison.'

WHY GOD WHY: Personal Urns

Dear Family:

After I die, please place my ashes in a replica of my disembodied head so I can stare at you forever more. Or, just use my head as a cookie jar.

See you on the flip side,
Mickey Doyle
XOXO, K.I.T.

iPhone Sleeve: Pop Tart Goodness


All of the sweetness - without the 3,000-calorie diabetic coma. Love it. Buy it here for $20.

I Will Bust a Cap in Some Nightmares

If you live in a questionable neighborhood or have curious children in the house, this bed may be your savior. The BedBunker is basically a 1,300 lb. strongbox made of 10-gauge steel designed to replace the box spring under a twin, queen or king size mattress. This treasure chest is fireproof up to 1,533 degrees based on their testing, which should make it ideal for protecting important documents, jewelry and "other valuables" (read: porn and/or secret cross-dressing accoutrements), but the company has instead positioned it as an effective way to protect your vast collection of firearms, up to 32 rifles or 70 hand guns. Because most Americans have well over 32 rifles on hand and can't seem to find the storage space. You can purchase one of these bad boys from $2,200 to $4,000 depending on bed size.

I pity the cat burgler who stumbles upon the homeowner with one of these. *click click* thug liiiiiife ...

Source VIA Oh Gizmo



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Today's WTF: Clown Urinal of Doom

Three things:

1) The creep factor is overwhelmingly present. Clowns are creepy already. Don't really want to urinate into it's gaping maw.

2) I'm praying this wasn't created for children.

3) Wonder if they paid John Travolta to use his likeness to create this bad, bad idea.

Porn in Pudding: Japan is Creepy


Japan is really trying to shove porn down your throat these days - literally. Case in point: Boob Pudding. Boob PUDDING. I want to know who. Who? Who is packing this malapropos pudding in their kids' lunch boxes? Who is taking this to work and storing this in the corporate fridge? Who is trying to motorboat a few plastic containers? Apparently Japan is. Good one, Japan! Keep trying new and innovative ways to creep out America. Now eat your Tapioca B Cup.

Outta Hand DUI Videos







Let me just preface this post with this: Drinking and driving is bad. It kills. Don't do it.

Now that that's out of the way, Manofest has listed 10 hilarious DUI videos - and I've posted a few above. Check out the rest here. From dudes collapsing over and over to DUIs for driving a lawn mower - they're all there. There's even a George Lucas lookalike in the hizzy.

And you'll hear the best excuse for drinking and driving ever: "My wife told me I had to go get her beers or she was going to stab me in the face." This coming from the guy driving the lawn mower.

I Can't Believe I Watched This Show With My Baby Brother


Kids - don't ever brush your teeth like Blondie Pumperfist here.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Today's FAIL: Pogo Stick Guy

It's the slow-mo replay that kills me everytime. Something tells me that this guy sat on the ground for a few hours crying and rocking himself. Hey, if it's any consolation, that was a great backflip.

Wonder Which Remake This Is?

Looks like Freddy is getting a makeover. I'm curious to see how big of a hot lunch they swirl upon this classic.

Hair's to You: Classy Guy

Always keeping it classy here at the Mickey Doyle Chronicles, I wanted to share this WTF haircut with all of you, my five readers. Because nothing says 'classy' like a haircut in the shape of a dude dropping a deuce.

Click here for more pics of interesting/quirky/disturbing manscaping and hairllucinations.

Turtle Porn: I Need a Cigarette


I had no idea that turtles had screaming orgasms. I think I laughed harder at the camera man, who thought he was shooting angles for Vivid Video.

Baby Got Back: A Mouse Pad Only Sir Mix-A-Lot Could Love

Ergonomically balanced to slap it up, flip it, rub it down - oh nooooooooo! Great for grandma or the office. *simulate whipping sound here*

I'm in Love and Hungry: USB Bento Box


I'm loving this Bento Box USB drive. It's 2GB of Bento beauty. Which is making me salivate as of late. I want it. And food. STAT.

Today's WTF: Sick Puppy Game

Leave it to Japan to come up with a nice educational game like "Sick Puppy." The premise is basically like that of the classic game "Operation," except instead of organs, you're pulling out plastic balls - and instead of a naked dude with a bowl cut, you have a dog draining snotty oooze out of it's nose. You must fish the plastic bits out of the ooze with little tweezers without setting off the buzzer.

Nothing like a nice, clean game of Sick Puppy with the kiddos after a long day at school. Perhaps next year they can release "Diseased Hooker" or "Lice-infested Toddlers."

Keep taking board games to the next level, Japan.

Cool Idea: Solar-powered Travel Bag

I am loving this new solar-powered travel bag. And it's so much cooler than this.

Charge your phone, game console, iPod, etc. anywhere, anytime. The product page specifies that the bag can charge the average cell phone in 5 hours. (Which seems like a bit of a long time, methinks.) Well, it still beats the solar-powered vest of doom.

Get it here for only $25 (USD).

Toilet Paper Prank

This gal is brave. Not only is she scaring the bejesus out of her poor dad, she's got him on camera dropping a twosy.

All kinds of wrong = happy internets. Remember that.

When I'm Sad and Lonely, I Just Watch Mascots Having Unfortunate Accidents

When loneliness strikes, some people turn to a bottle of two-buck chuck or perhaps an ice cold shooter of charcoal-filtered vodka from Sam's Club.

When I'm sad and lonely, I watch mascots having unfortunate accidents.

Looks like Bingo the Bee ought to sport a cup next time he decides to leap frog over a huge metal railing of doom. (The music makes it even more hilarious. Well, that and the way we walks away all defeated.)

Amazon.com Is Looking Out for You


Hey, it's a depression, right? Why break the bank for NEW condoms when you can get them USED for $1 on Amazon? That's what OxyClean is for! Thanks, Amazon.com!

Ps. Aren't there QA dudes that overlook this type of thing?

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Finally Here: Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland Trailer



Looks very Tim Burton-esque. Creepy + Helena Bonham Carter = NAILED IT!

Source

A Shout-out ... For Me to Poop On





I just happened to run into these comedy jems from a few years back. And I actually shot espresso out of my nostrils while partaking in the nostalgia. I give you Triumph the Insult Comic Dog at the premier of Star Wars Episode 2 and the Michael Jackson trial.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Please Don't Eat Me Mr. Educational Bear

I'm so glad they didn't have this "educational aid" in my dentist office when I was little. Nothing says, "Brush your teeth or I'll chew through your carotid artery," like the scariest 'helper' bear on earth. A dentist office actually uses this bear to demonstrate dental procedures to children.

And I shall dub it the Gary Busey Chiclet Tooth Bear™.

Dexter Season 4 Trailer


Is it just me? Or has Dex put on a few 'new dad' lbs? Either way - I don't care! Dex rocks. Enjoy.

Thursday, July 9, 2009

$47,000 For This Bed. Seriously.

I don't mean to sound like a Randy Recession here, but people are losing their jobs all over the nation. Home foreclosures are on every street corner. Laid-off marketing execs are resorting to barista jobs at Starbucks. And farmers in California aren't able to water their crops. Yet, Posh Tots insists that they can sell a $47,000 children's bed that resembles Cinderella's Pumpkin coach. I'm guessing this store for "extraordinary children's furnishings" only caters to the likes of an Angelina Jolie or a Reese Witherspoon, but come the eff on. Forty-seven thousand? Dollars? On a kid's bed? For a kid?

Here are a few items you can purchase for 47 grand:
  • Mitsubishi's new electric car (source)
  • 3 bed/2 bath house (source)
  • A kidney (source)
  • Daewoo's new roadster (source)
  • A top-notch bull (source)
  • 1,883 pairs of Truck Nutz for your friends and entire family (source)
I have no clue how a parent could purchase this bed for their daughter knowing that you could probably fit two to three transients in there. Really.

So Cute, Your Head Will Explode



Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Real Men of Genius: Why? Because I said so.




I've never seen a TV/radio ad campaign with such legs. Legs that allow this campaign to still be awesome, creative and award-winning. For five years or more. Here are just a few for the hell of it.

Damn, She Can Sing: Jessie Cornish


Pipes + hot = Jessie Cornish, a soon-to-be YouTube phenomenon. Just as Marie Digby got her big break via the YouTube-o-sphere, I'm sure this gal is well on her way to a record contract. She's got the raspy sound of Amy Winehouse (sans wig-o-crack), with a little sprinkling of Lady Gaga's style and Adele's unique sound. Now stir in the gravitas of Rihanna with a darling British accent. That's Jessie Cornish.

That's One Classy Tattoo

Wow. I want this guy's phone number STAT.

I'm truly hoping this is a dude's body part.

It Only Takes a Second: Safety Video


Words cannot sum up the absolutely horrific acting/writing/visual effects/music in this "safety video." Which happens to be a real safety video. Seriously.

Produced by the Training Network (which is evidently a school for Chevy Chase slapstick), this video attempts to illustrate that "it only takes a second" to get squished, sprayed in the face with battery acid, hit by a car, fall off ladders, cut off fingers, or back into toddlers with the car. This video is absolutely ridiculous and hilarious to no end. Circulated around the net like four years ago, I decided it was time to post it after a 20th viewing.

My faves would have to be the guy getting squished between two walls ("Get me outta here! I'm in here!), the lawnmower woman, and the Jerry Bruckheimer car explosion.

iPhone Cufflinks: At Least They Won't Drop Your Call Every Five Minutes

You know me and geeky cufflinks; I want them - and I don't even wear them. Complete your Applexistence with these pre-3.0 iPhone cufflinks. Buy them at cufflinks.com for $50. It's not cheap to attain pure geekitude.

Because I Want to be More Lazy: Ostrich 3-in-1 Chair

And because you don't want to throw out your neck reading Penthouse out by the pool.

My Wallpaper Will Slap You Around And Call You Betty


Forget hummingbirds or flowers or sponged apples and berries - this new wallpaper will rock your farging world. You heard me. This new wallpaper has precision, balance and a hankering to beat some chintzy wallpaper ass. I give you ... sumo wrestler wallpaper. Buy it for instant manification™.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hell Yes: Yoostar Movie Karaoke

My Saturday nights just got better. With a release date in August, Yoostar is a special piece of software (greenscreen and camera included) that turns your PC or laptop into an easy-to-use compositing suite. Simply select a role from one of the included movie scenes, shoot your part and Yoostar allows you to insert yourself into your favorite movie scene. All I gotta say - it's all about Ace Ventura, Pulp Fiction and Goonies. That's right. I'm takin' it back. I'm takin' 'em all back.

Yoostar will have scenes included with your purchase, but over time, you can request scenes directly from their website. The kit is available for pre-order now for $169.95.

After this program goes into circulation, YouTube will be overflowing with plenty of McLovins recreating Snakes on a Plane, The Crying Game and A Few Good Men - I just know it.

140 Characters = Better Weed Sales

According to Fox News, a medical-pot dispensary in Los Angeles has been using their Twitter account to sell newly arrived strains of weed, "baked goods," and reminders about their free delivery. The dispensary, called Artists for Access, have had much success after hitting the social networking scene to advertise, but now their 'Tweeding' has caught the attention of mainstream media. It looks like they've taken down their Twitter page since this was first reported on Fox News. (or maybe not) It doesn't look like they'll be pulling their Facebook or Myspace pages anytime soon.

Maybe this will spawn a Twitter market for hookers and blow. Or mail-order brides. Because that's what gateway tweets produce.

Bacon Tattoo: MMM, Bacony


Bacon: The Getaway Meat. And beloved tattoo.

And I love how he even had the grease included. Now THAT'S commitment. Hope he enjoyed a nice bacontini afterwards.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Today's WTF: Robo Geisha The Movie


Why. Oh. Why.

Supposedly there's a movie in the works called Robo Geisha. Starring a geisha. With robotic qualities. Because why not? We've had Robo Cop? And remember D. A. R. Y. L.? Why not combine two completely different worlds to make the most mystifying B-level horror movie in the history of B-level horror movies?

What would said "Robo Geisha" do besides enchant tea house audiences with music and dance? Glad you asked. Here are a few of the random occurrences that you see in the colorful, long trailer below:
  • Brilliant metaphors
  • Power Ranger movements
  • Sword attachments for arms
  • Is a nesting doll for Sporty Geisha
  • Is part Raiden (think Mortal Combat)
  • Can dance with the Pussy Cat Dolls
  • Is part chainsaw
  • Is part transformer (into a goddam TANK)
  • Actually fights Raiden
  • Can stab out your eyes with various objects, including FRIED SHRIMP (no lie)
  • Can turn into Geish-illa and stomp out cities
  • Has a "handicap gun" (dead serious)
  • Has a machine gun that shoots out of her arse
  • Has a sword that shoots out of her arse
  • Has a rocket torso
  • An ominous voiceover
  • Movie turns into platform for Mario Kart.
With that, enjoy the trailer here. Then you can seek out a lobotomy to erase the ridiculosity.



Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Cool Clock: Only Runs on Water and Lemon Juice


This clock combines two things that make me happy: Lemon juice and more lemon juice. Perfect for frequent travelers, this clock basically runs itself without a single battery. Fill the tank with water and a splash of lemon, and this little guy will keep accurate time for 6-8 weeks before having to refill it.

I have absolutely no clue how water and lemon juice keeps it going, but I'm sure it involves ven diagrams, the first law of thermodynamics and Wikipedia.

You can buy the Bedol Water Clock here for $16. Try not to guzzle it while in the middle of a drunken stupor, okay tiger?

No Way: Man Saved by his Blackberry

According to the Sun, a Switzerland skier was saved after falling into a snowy crevice when his Blackberry, stored in his shirt pocket, provided just enough girth to keep him from slipping further down into the precipice, estimated at around 700-feet-deep. He was eventually rescued when his mountain guide contacted help. After his rescue, he used that very same phone to call his wife and let her know he was okay.

Whatever. An iPhone would have saved him sooner. I don't know how, but it would have. I just know these things.

Italian Gelato Ad: Too Far?

A gelato ad showing a priest and a nun about to hook up has been banned in the UK after readers complained, the Daily Telegraph reports. The ad intended to sell "forbidden Italian temptations." Yep, looks like they accomplished that. The ad was placed in various magazines, which was intended to target an audience aged between 25-55. The gelato, Antonio Federici, said their ad was meant to be a "light-hearted, tongue-in-cheek portrayal."

Tongue-in-cheek: Check. (They are about to make out.)

Light hearted: Check. (I mean, come on. A hot Italian priest getting to first base with a nun who happened to have her makeup done at the MAC counter at Macy's ... HILARIOUS. And light hearted.)

Does this ad cross the line?

Source VIA Newser

Hell Yes: Han Solo in Carbonite Desk


If you manage to get your hands on this desk, you're basically guaranteed ass. In fact, you'll probably get it on/around this desk. Find this manly piece of desk here.

The only chair that would be suitable to pair with a Han Solo in Carbonite desk would have to be something like THIS.

VIA Here

Before They Were Famous: Seth Green, Keanu Reeves, Jack Black, Ben Affleck

Oh. My. Sweet. Virgin. Mary. In. A. Rowboat.

It's always entertaining to see early TV work from stars like Seth Green, Jack Black, Keanu Reeves and Ben Affleck, but these early commercials are 1) humiliating for celebrities today and 2) comedy gold. View more of these tasty comedy morsels at here.

Here's an old Nerf commercial with Seth Green. Take note of the hair. It stood out much more than "eyebrows" there with him.


And here's a Kellogg's commercial with Keanu Reeves. I'm really shocked to see he didn't bust out with one, "Whoa, this is great cereal, whoa."


Here's an adolescent Jack Black promoting Pitfall for Atari. (Yep, you're THAT old.)


And here's a young Ben Affleck perfecting his Masters of Douche degree in TV for Burger King.


VIA Manofest

Hell Yes: Coghlan's Cooler Light


Tired of fishing through an ice chest of bitingly frigid water in search of the coveted last Michelob Ultra? Well, now you can use Coghlan's Cooler Light to aid in your carbless journey. Available on Amazon for a measly eight bucks, this LED cooler light easily attaches under the lid of your ice chest and automatically turns on when you open the lid. Now you can really see what's been floating around in that water all day and night. (e.g. bugs, bras, june bugs, dachchunds, etc.)

Charge Your Phone/iPod While Draining Your Dignity: Solar Vest



Get ready to look dorktastic in this new Solar Vest created by Chinavision. Sporting seven different device connectors and eight different power connectors, this vest uses the rays of the sun to charge a variety of gadgets, such as iPods, phones, pagers (?), etc.

Here are the specs:

  • Gargantuan white letters that read: SOLAR VEST
  • 8,800mAh Capacity
  • 4 Solar Panels
  • Multiple Connectors
  • Canvas Vest
  • 5V, 6V, 9V, 12-20V Output
  • Weatherproof

If I actually saw someone wearing this on the street I would laugh and point and take iPhone pictures think, "Wow, how innovative." Buy this piece of geek badassery for $140.

This would be perfect for charging your iPod while fly fishing. Because nobody would actually see you wearing this vest.

Source VIA Geeky Gadgets