Thursday, April 30, 2009
I'm just going to preface this by saying - if you're eating, put down the fork.
Today's episode of WHY GOD WHY goes to Sweet Sue's Whole Canned Chicken. This 'food' product, which resembles what Carol Ann's mom looked like when they pulled her out of the haunted closet in Poltergeist, is cooked and canned ... whole.
If you ever wanted to know what a baby being birthed looked like, buy this chicken for your next meal. And you don't even have to slap it after you open the can.
This is only a foam design taken from the site Mouse Vomit, but I don't care. I'd totally buy this. And I'd probably put a wig on it and spoon with it. Because the NES will always be the most bomb diggity gaming platform ever.
People may not agree with this statement, since there are a trillion different gaming platforms in existence today, but one thing always stands true - the NES was the first and only "gateway" gaming platform. And it rocked. And so did the original Super Mario Brothers. (But not SMB II - that one sucked.)
Not shocked by some of the innovations created for women today, I give you the Cuchini. This new bicycle-seat type contraption is used by women to reduce the unsightly display of camel toe. As described on their website:
Never did I think females would have to wear a cup; nor was I aware that the camel toe was on the rise once again.
Three things bother me about this new 'product' - both of which have nothing to do with how much I hate the name. Maybe because I'm not crazy about its root word, cooch. They really could have gone with something a little more subtle, like Smooth Operator™ or Lip Service™. I would even prefer something like Camouflagina™. Cooch is such a bad colloquialism that it feels doubly ghetto after being merged with the name of an Italian composer.
- Comfortability: Would this REALLY be comfortable to wear? Think about it. You're wearing a soft bikini at the beach or rubber catsuit during pre-coital role play and you slide in the Cuchini. (Just typing those words makes me ill.) How would it stay in place? If you twisted your body a certain way, would it poke out or god forbid fall out? Two-sided tape is great and all, but it's another accessory that you have to monitor while wearing.
- Cleaning: The website informs you that you can wear this device with or without underwear. This leaves me to wonder - is it machine washable? There are hygiene issues at hand. Maybe they make disposable shower-cap type covers for it?
- Comic Sans: I absolutely hate this typeface and they use it on their entire website. I don't care if you're writing an email to your grandma, comic sans should never be used. Ever.
Verdict: I supposed if you had "The Toe" all the time, this would be a wise product in which to invest your $15. I just wish they would change their damn name.
Ever wonder what would happen if we physically "Tweeted" out loud and in public - instead of Tweeting online? Well here you go.
Although, for those who Tweet via iPhone from the crapper would have a difficult time doing this.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ready for this, kiddos? Just in case Michael Jackson's head wasn't enough to scare you the hell up in the morning, here' s the Darth Vader alarm clock from Playthings.com.
For $30, you get AM/FM radio tuning, three sounds to have you crapping your PJs at 6 AM, and the pleasure of opening your eyes in complete darkness to Vader's laser red eye balls. OH and you can plug in your iCantina and pump music through Vader's skull.
If only he yelled: NooooOOOOOOooooooooOOOOO to wake you up in the morning. Now THAT would rock.
I've been awake since 11 AM yesterday. (been on deadline)
I love you, sweet, white-hot sleep. Please take me away.
I'm already hallucinating. I'm seeing Sean Connery dressed in assless leather chaps, standing three feet from me, holding a tray of Sprinkles cupcakes ... must sleeeeeeeep.
Holy Jebus in a wheel barrel. This lovely spring chicken looks like something that was pulled out of my Go with the Flo toilet.
Bride of Chucky here was snapped going to the Sapphire Steakhouse and Gentleman's Club in New York City last night. Funny, seeing that she's an active member of Peta.
Anywho, someone get this woman a mirror, some blotting linens, a pint of spackle, a bar of Dove, and a hose - STAT.
Source: The Superficial
Introducing the new Go with the Flo-toilet. This fancy jungle-gym looking device is a new toilet that promotes voiding your bowels in a yoga-like fashion, squatting down to work on your ab and back muscles. Gizmodo reports:
The Flo toilet is an ergonomic, sustainable design concept for baby boomers that functions like a squat toilet. Designers maintain that using the Flo toilet is akin to yoga - by building and strengthening abdominal and back muscles. Only one-half to one gallon of water is used for flushing and The Flo reuses water from hand washing. To flush water from the tanks to the toilet, the Flo employs an electromagnetic ball valve. Go With the Flo also is free of mechanical parts. The toilet is fully self-sustaining and independent of electric power.
Um, yes. I have a few qualms about this new 'toilet' system.
- Too close for comfort: I don't know about you, but I don't want to get THAT close to my bathroom floor.
- Too see through: I'm all for translucent items, but I don't want to watch my "stuff" flow down the pipes of that thing. Imagine the muck build-up on that after a month. No thanks.
- Morning coordination and confusion: I'm sorry, but first thing in the morning, I'm uncoordinated and a walking chaotic mess. I trip on things, I knock old ladies down, I set off booby traps - it's a mess. I can't imagine executing the hand/eye coordination necessary to sit on that thing without shattering my hip or twisting an ankle.
- Wiping: How would that go down? You'd need an extra arm, a hoist contraption ... or experience on a pommel horse.
- Blue: I don't like blue furniture, let alone crappers.
Verdict: I'll pass. (No pun intended.)
Wow. There's something quite mesmerizing about this performance by Amy Walker, a Judy Garland impersonator, who filmed her tribute to the actress and singer with her take on Over the Rainbow. The cool thing is she does this a capella, starting out as young Judy and gradually morphs into old Judy - all in four minutes.
You'll start to well up, then you'll begin to chuckle at her fantastic overacting at the end.
Then you'll wonder why the hell she's wearing a kimono. (?)
In today's random celebrity news, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls later this summer through a surrogate pregnancy. This news is a bit shocking given that a few weeks ago it was reported that Ferris was banging some random chick and they were supposedly getting a divorce. Hollywood works in mysterious ways.
Congrats to the lucky couple. As long as this twin mishmash doesn't interfere with a 2nd SATC movie, I'm nails.
Sidenote: I really hope Broderick is filming Maverick 2 soon; those burns have got to go.
Photo: AP/Peter Kramer
Source: Huffington Post
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
This is a new little segment of my blog called "Eff You."
Today's Eff You goes to H & R Block (Yep, I'm naming names, you heartless bastards.) to which I'm now referring as "Satan."
At the beginning of the month, I went to Satan to get my taxes done. Surprisingly enough, I went there last year as well - and was refreshingly happy with my end result. I got some money back and I 'only' had to spend $260 to do so. (Sidenote: if you're familiar with Satan's pricing, they charge about $23 per page filed, which in essence blows.)
All my previous years, I had my dad do my taxes. (Yes, I was over 30 and had my dad do my taxes - I'm a spoiled brat and a procrastinator.) Of course that was when I had one measly W-2 per year, worked full time for one ad agency, and life was a bowl of low-sodium bacon. Today, I'm a freelance writer and have about six to ten W-9s per year due to being a subcontractor. (Do the math on that: One W-9 = one page filed = $23)
Never in my life have I cursed having a good year as a writer - except for 2008. Because I made such an unbelievably great profit, I got screwed by the IRS. Let me make one thing clear - I can accept that I got screwed by the IRS. I will take full responsibility for owing as much as I do. I didn't put any preconceived 'withholdings' in savings and I should of. That's just the basics of working for yourself.
What I can't accept is "Satan" and their exorbitant pricing and their laughable excuse for customer service. After all my business expenses were posted (car and phone written off, research expenses, etc.) - I ended up paying $450 for my taxes to get done. And this is ON TOP of the $8 grand I owe Uncle Sam.
For all you freelancers out there, if you make any kind of a profit, you can tack on $4,500 as the "self-employed tax." Expect it. Save it. Sell a kidney or something.
Before leaving Satan's office, I wrote the check for my $450 worth of services. WAIT FOR IT ... my check wouldn't go through the system. Lovely. As a 32-year-old, educated woman, I try to never ask my parents for help. It makes me feel lame. And it makes me feel like the gajillion dollars I invested in college went right into the crap shoot. Well, I asked my mom to help me pay for my outta-hand tax service fees. She wrote me a check - and I love her so much for not giving me the obligatory "you're an adult, fend for yourself" homily.
I called Satan to make sure they would accept a check from my mom for the services, and I got this conversation from an asshole named "Jim." (Yes, this is his real name - and yes if I had his home address I would post it along with pictures of his pets and children.)
WHAT I SAID: Will you accept a check from my mother for the services incurred?
(WHAT I WAS THINKING: I'm completely mortified. I sound like I'm ten years old asking for mommy to pay for my cheerleading uniform.)
Jim the Ass (JTA): Um, I'm not sure. You can't have her write you a check and you pull the cash out of an ATM?
(WHAT I WAS THINKING: Oh gee, is that what an ATM is used for, jackass? Well, you make it sound so easy. Why didn't I think of that? Well, shit. You're the PROBLEM SOLVER, aren't you? Will you be my life coach?)
WHAT I SAID: Well, she lives two hours away, so I can't very well drive by and pick up a check made out to me. She made it out to you, Satan. Will you be able to accept that?
JTA: Oh, well, ideally, we would want YOU to pay for YOUR own tax services. Why can't YOU pay for your own services?
(WHAT I WAS THINKING: Well, Ideally, I would want to pay for MY own services, too. But unfortunately, SHIT HAPPENS, dickwad. The economy is in the shitter and I'm a freelance writer. What are you, my therapist? F*ck you.)
WHAT I SAID: You're seriously asking me this? I can't pay for MY services because I'm flat broke and my mom is helping me out. Anything else you want to know about my personal life?
(WHAT I WAS THINKING: I swear to god, if you ask me one more personal question, I'm going to drive to your unholy alter and stab you in the neck, assbite.)
JTA: Oh, well let me check with upper management. Please hold.
(WHAT I WAS DOING WHILE ON HOLD: Carving 'kill' into my leather seats with a shank. I was in my car.)
JTA: Yes, we can accept your mother's check. Before you come in, please call us beforehand to 'remind' us of our 'arrangement' with you to accept your mother's check. That way, all of the front office staff is aware we're accepting your mother's check.
(WHAT I WAS THINKING: If you say, "mother's check" one more time I'm going to lose it.)
Then I hung up on him. I cannot construe to you how incredibly livid (and slightly hurt) I was because of Mr. Jim Throwsomeguilt Assmonger™. Could he make me feel any worse? He WAS an ass, right? I mean, I don't know if I was internalizing my lameness or if he really was being a complete ass. Either way, that will be the last time I use Satan as my accountant. I'll share a prison fruit cup with Wesley Snipes before going back to those dick knuckles.
Monday, April 27, 2009
When minimizing Twitter isn't fast enough when the boss walks by, there's always Spreadtweet, a new downloadable program that turns the Twitter website into faux Excel spreadsheet. Now you can can Tweet on the DL - and it looks totally legit. That is, if column B doesn't read "just picked nose, wiped on printer."
Tweet away, cubicle bunnies.
Can't stand Twitter now that everybody and their GD mother is tweeting? No prob. Now you can peruse Things You Should Not Twitter, which is a website with a collection of embarrassing Twitter posts. Learn about people watching porn at work, people banging their co-workers, students cheating on tests, people tweeting from the crapper - it's all there.
Check back to that site later - as after it was posted on Switched.com, the bandwidth couldn't handle the visitors.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Heidi 'chiclet teeth' Montag and Spencer 'creepy, flesh-color beard' Pratt of the reality show "The Hills" got married earlier today. I believe we should be expecting swarms of locusts and complete darkness right about now. Lord help us.
Where's the book of Ahmunrah when you need it?
Behold the portable NES (for you youngins out there, Nintendo Entertainment System) - also called the FC Mobile II. The best part is this handheld bad boy actually plays NES floppy disk-sized cartridges from back in the day. The bundle comes with a light gun (Duck Hunt, anyone?) and two external wireless controllers. You should be able to find these on the shelves this May for about $60. Not bad for a little nostalgia.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Just when you thought your $125 cell bill was a swift karate chop to the nads, meet "Alberto."
This poor guy went to Mexico and decided he'd download the movie Wall-E ... on his current cell data plan. (It wasn't even porn!) They ended up charging him $62,000 - lemme reiterate - SIXTY-TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS - for downloading that movie. After a phone call and much debate with his cell phone carrier (most likely AT&T), they decided to only charge him for the bandwidth usage: $17,000. How generous of them.
I can feel this guy's pain, unfortunately. I had a 3G USB internet card - and accidently went over my allocated data plan; what happened next? I had to pay $2,000 for less than two months of service. Needless to say, I was batshit livid. AT&T wouldn't even negotiate with me. I asked the representative - does $2,000 sound reasonable to you for less than two months of internet service on an internet card? That's two months of rent for me. I refuse to pay it. My credit is currently going south, but I don't care. Eff them and their $2,000.
Although - $2,000 is much better than $17,000. Poor Alberto. Damn the man.
In keeping with the bacon theme, today's WTF is Baconnaise.
Baconnaise is dubbed the "ultimate bacon-flavored spread" in its branding, but I like to call it "the ultimate vomit spread with chunks of fruit." That's just my first impression upon seeing it in a jar. Apparently, you can substitute it anywhere you'd normally use regular mayo. The difference is now your food tastes like the bacon fairy flew by and sprinkled some bacon flavor, nitrates and liquid smoke on it.
I've never tried it, but The Onion A.V. Club decided to taste test it by mixing it into deviled eggs. The gal who made the eggs commented that it left her hands smelling "like [she] just raped a prostitute with a slice of bacon, then ate an egg afterward."
After all the bacon-infused foods out there: bacon mints, chocolate-covered bacon, bacon ice cream - Baconnaise is probably the one most people would consider buying. Scary thought.
In a hilarious turn of events, more than 180 pigs escaped from a 'lorry' just before arriving at a bacon factory in York, U.K. The pigs were eventually rounded up, but 40 had to be put down (not hilarious) due to injuries incurred during the escape. I'm not exactly sure what a 'lorry' is, but the doors must have been locked with a twistie tie for pigs to break through.
I just had an image of these pigs trying to disguise themselves in nice shoes and dress slacks ala Shawshank Redemption.
That'll do, pig.
Source: The Telegraph
Photo: Ross Parry
I went to the movies yesterday and decided to forego my usual heart-attack-in-a-bin in an effort to eat better. Too bad I want to smear it all over my body with it's buttery goodness.
I'm watching you, popcorn.
I don't know about all o' ya'll, but I've flown quite a bit. I get tired of the same old, "Please note that your seats are flotation devices and that we charge cash for booze," etc. - so Southwest has been allowing their flight attendants to 'freestyle' their pre-flight schpeels, which ends up being a quasi-stand-up routine slash variety show.
A few years ago I flew to the East Coast from Cali and the flight attendant gave the 'anti-schpeel'. The flamboyant gentleman proceeded to make statements like "Ladies and gentlemen, if you're flying with children today, we're ... very ... sorry for you." It was awesome. Below are a few rapping / singing flight attendants.
Here is DJ SWA flippin' the script:
Funny flight pre-flight message:
Funny landing message (begins at about :55):
It is with great sadness that I post the news that Beatrice "Bea" Arthur died today at the age of 86. Family spokesman, Dan Watt, says she died at home this morning of cancer.
The Tony- and Emmy-award winning actress had a redonkulous career on and off broadway - and was well-loved playing the role of Dorothy Zbornak on Golden Girls.
Here's to you, Bea.
I just wanted to thank you, my faithful 5 viewers, for taking the time to tune in to Mickey Doyle's ramblings. We're at 99 views so far - on the cusp of the big 100.
When I began blogging again in February, we were at a static 37 views.
Today, 99 views. Tomorrow, a gajillion views.
*Read with sarcasm* Hooray! Microsoft Corp has alerted Reuters that they're releasing it's long-awaited Windows 7 operating system next week.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Who the hell are you and what midwest small town ending in 'ville' did you come from? You've popped out of nowhere with your 'bows made of hair' and makeup straight out of America's Next Top Model ... and large selection of fishnets. We already have a Christina Aguilera, so go away.
Love Always, K.I.T. XOXO -
I have no clue why this is big news, but Nintendo has readied a new Nintendo DS bundle for sale early March. Honestly, this is the ugliest color I've every seen. I guess if we're trying to hit the bored soccer mom demo - NAILED IT. Not only does the buyer get a lime green DS, they also get a fashionable lime green 'purse/case' and a "Cooking" game to boot.
For some reason, this story is all over the gadget blogosphere. *hops on bandwagon*
Well, I guess this would be a perfect gift for Mother's Day - if your mother actually knew what a Nintendo DS was. Mine would probably try to use it as a TV remote control.
Source: Boing Boing
Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.
Man, there has always got to be some drama going down at or around Coachella. Heat exhaustion + booze + $7 bottled water + naked white dudes = indecent hilarity. Enjoy.
What's truly sad about this spectacle is that Mr. CrotchNubbin™ could have avoided getting tased by putting his feather boa/clown jumpsuit back on. Instead, he chose to let it hang.
Okay, 'hang' is a poor choice of words. More like "slightly protrude."
Monday, April 20, 2009
Don't you just love it when TV networks give 'edits' to R-rated movies? Case in point - Snakes on a Plane.
Samuel L. Jackson's classic movie line, "I've about had it with these mother f**king snakes on this mother f**king plane," gets turned into some random new form of swearing that not only makes me want to set a flaming bag of poo on FXs doorstep, it makes SLJ sound like that one black dude that played the president on 24. SLJ is definitely not that guy.
This reminds me of the time FX made edits to Die Hard 2 - "Yippee Kayee Mother Father!"
SLJ is a BMF - betta recognize.