Thursday, February 26, 2009

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

Dear Peeps, 

You are pure sugar and technically don't have a flavor. But I can't resist that crunchy granulated coating. 

First I will bite your head off, then I shall smear you all over my body. 



Photo: Here

Mickey Doyle's Handy Dandy Guide to Grossing out the Public with an Infomercial

Here is Mickey Doyle's Handy Dandy Guide to Grossing Out the Public with an Infomerical:

Step One: Introduce a product that scrapes, files, clips or tweezes any part of the human body.

Step Two: Actually demonstrate said actions (e.g. filing, clipping, tweezing, scraping) on parts of body ON CAMERA for all the viewers to enjoy.

Step Three: Display side-by-side comparison photographs of a busted-up body part that hasn't used the product and a photograph of a nice beautiful body part that has used the product.

Step Four: Repeat all three steps for 8 minutes straight. With old ladies.

Case in point : Ped-Egg.

There are just so many things wrong with this infomercial - all of which having nothing to do with with the part where someone dumps 12 ounces of pure foot dust/shavings/nastiness onto a towel.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Please Don't GoGirl

Ladies, now you too can take whimsical pleasure in peeing your name in cursive on the snow or sidewalk with absolute precision! 

I give you the GoGirl. As made clear on their website:
Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to urinate while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic. 
Apparently, it's disposable or you can rinse it and put it back in your purse. (!?) I'm not sure how I feel about putting a pee funnel, rinsed with Chevron bathroom soap or not, back in my purse. Something tells me (like Staph infection) that doing this doesn't fall on the sanitary side of storage. The website also explains that this device is 'germ resistant,' but I can't help from wondering if my purse is going to smell like poached talapia on a balmy day if I rinse and return back to my purse. 

If you're inclined to purchase and utilize a device such as this, something tells me that you won't be located near the appropriate facilities to 'rinse' it unless you sacrifice your $5 bottle of Fiji to do so. And each of these pee funnels or punnels™, if you will, only cost $4.99 each.  

ps. cool logo, though.

Source: GoGirl

I Just Don't Get it: The Jonas Brothers

I just don't get it. 

They're like Hanson, only they're wrapped inside a crunchy Ricardo Montalban shell, dipped in an exotic Antonio Banderas chocolatey layer, and smeared with a candy coating of better publicists.

And judging by their songs, which I've heard only in passing, their testicles have definitely dropped. (As compared to Hanson, where ... well, you've heard MMM Bop.)

Source: USA Today

Random Urban Dictionary Word of the Day: LOL Theory

LOL Theory: The theory that the internet phrase, lol, meaning "laugh out loud," can be placed at any part of any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibility and seriousness.

Example 1 - Doctor: we need to operate on your colon lol, you have cancer

Example 2 - Jesus: Take this all of you and eat it, it is my body, lol.

Example 3 - Me: Will you marry me? Lol.

Photo: Here

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I'm not too crazy about the peanut butter patties or thin mints, but Samoas - you are bombdigadocious*. Even though you'd feel like an exfoliation treatment, I would like to devour you ... and then smear you all over my body.

*word dedicated to my good friend Christopher F.M.

Photo: Here

Monday, February 23, 2009

We Missed You, Adam Sandler

I'm really looking forward to seeing Funny People, the new movie directed by Judd Apatow, set to be released in July. I'm smelling a quasi-comeback for Sandler! You also get a pinch of Apatow's regulars (Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, pink eye, etc.). Check out the trailer.

Now We're Cooking with G-ass

Paula Deen made an appearance at the South Beach Food & Wine Festival when she made it visually apparent her pants were falling due to her microphone pack. She didn't expect them to drop around her ankles. Pigs in a Blanket anyone? 

The 'Eff You' Heard 'Round the World

If you live on the moon and didn't watch the Oscars last night, you missed the most awesome verbal flip-off of the century. Beyonce belted the song At Last in the mish-mash that was one of the most hideous odes-to-musicals I've ever heard. If you don't know the current feud between Beyonce and Etta James over this song, allow me to recap:

Phase One: Beyonce receives permission from Etta James to portray Etta James in movie Cadillac Records.

Phase Two: Beyonce and Etta James pose for pictures together on the red carpet for premier of Cadillac Records. They are friendly and happy. Their menstrual cycles align.

Phase Three: Beyonce sings At Last at the presidential inauguration on January 20. 

Phase Four: At the beginning of February, Etta James performed at a concert in Seattle. While performing, she said, "... he [Obama] had that woman [Beyonce] singing MY song. She gon' get her ass whooped. I can't stand Beyonce." 

Phase Five: Fully in-the-know regarding Etta's spontaneous feelings of hate, Beyonce throws a little At Last into the musical mix at the Oscars, once more sticking it to Etta - and possibly sparking an "ass whooping" from the crazy bag lady.

I would be very careful, Beyonce. Even your little alter ego, "Sasha Fierce," is no match for Etta James' alter ego, "Crazy Rhonda 'Razor Blades and Vaseline' Jenkins." 

Photos/Source: Us WeeklyTMZ

If You Wanna Be My Infant, You Gotta Get With My Friends

Melanie C. - formerly Sporty Spice - has given birth to her first child, Scarlett Starr Sporty Spice. 'Van Damme Spice' gave birth about an hour before the Oscars began yesterday evening. Congrats, Sporty!

I have this image in my head that she was doing four consecutive back handsprings in her backyard when she spontaneously birthed her newborn into the air, only to catch it with her bare hands before completing a perfect flying roundhouse. 

Photos: Here, Us Weekly

Today's WTF

It looks like ole' duck lips here put her finger in an electric socket to get her frosted hair helmet of doom just right. This is the kind of hot tranny mess you find at a teenage beauty pageant. 

Unless you're tap dancing to Me and My Shadow in a tu-tu, keep this shiz off the red carpet. It has a rep to protect.

Photo: Here 

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I have an unhealthy obsession with cupcakes. The way they look, how they're made and how they taste. Specifically, Sprinkles Cupcakes. They're like tasty, spongy, balls of delicious art in a box. I have yet to actually taste a Sprinkles Cupcake, but one day I will. And when I do, I will smear it all over my body. And yes, I said 'balls.'

Photo: Sprinkles

Death to Snuggie

For the love of all that is holy and unsightly, who invented "The Snuggie?" This poor excuse for a blanket/robe is mind baffling. Sure, you'll stay warm while doing "things" with your arms, but who really wants to look like Obi Wan Kenobi or a faaaabulous monk? 

And does anybody make anything in black or white anymore? I would even be happy with an earth tone color of some sort - but lucky buyers get to choose from SEAFOAM, OPULENT RED, or SKY BLUE. 

They forgot to mention that the Snuggie can easily go up in flames should you fall asleep holding a burning cigarette in one hand and a fohty of Natty Ice in the other. I'm definitely not buying it now. There's no way I'm getting rid of my menthol lights.

Photo: Here

Take THAT Paris Hilton

Nicole Richie and Joel Madden of Good Charlotte are now expecting baby number two - which proves once and for all that Nicole Richie is moving more into the bowels of normal life than her Simple Life counterpart Paris "Valtrexy Sexy" Hilton. Since having her first daughter, Harlow Winter Kate Madden, on January 11, 2008 Nicole has managed to stay out of the tabloids for scandalous behavior. It sounds like little Nicole is finally a grown up - and Paris is still an effing tool shed with a credit card and the intellect of a McDonald's Happy meal.  

Photo: LA times

Sean Penn is Best Actor - (or he would have beat you with a pipe wrench)

Sean Penn won the Oscar for Best Actor in the movie Milk. The movie was phenomenal, so if you haven't seen it, go see it. Or Sean Penn will personally beat you down with a pipe wrench until you say uncle - or bleed the word uncle on to the pavement.

Photo: Oscar

I'll Never Let Go, Jack

Kate Winslet just won the Oscar for Best Actress. I was rooting for Anne Hathaway because she was remarkable in Rachel Getting Married - and because she's got an amazing rack. Amazing racks don't go unrecognized here, my ample-busted beauty.

Photo: Oscar

Jerry Lewis Got an Award

Eddie "downward spiral" Murphy presented the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Damn, he looks really good for his age. He even pulled one of his "crazy faces" after accepting the award. Good for him. He'll be showered with bitches now.

Photo: Here

You Could Hear a Pin Drop

Heath Ledger's family accepted his Oscar for Best Supporting Actor tonight - and lemme tell you - you could hear a pin drop in that place. His father spoke first, then his mother, then his sister. Probably one of the most touching moments in Oscar history. There wasn't a dry eye in the house. Congrats, Heath. You'll be missed. No funny stuff here - he deserved that Oscar.

Photo: Here

That. Was. Great.

So, Ben Stiller and Natalie Portman just presented the award for best something rather, but the best part was Ben Stiller coming out on stage with a big thick beard, crazy hair and an aloof psuedo-tude - pretty much imitating Joaquin Phoenix. And I have to say, that was pretty damn funny. 

Photo: Us Weekly ABC

The Tammy Fae Award

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button just won the Oscar for Best Makeup - even though I thought most of the makeup was handled through CG. Greg Cannom, who seems to be a hybrid of Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Sting, gave an acceptance speech that first sounded like he was singing karaoke for "It's the End of the World as We Know It" - then he grabbed his chest and said "OH." Dude, I swear at that moment I thought he was going into cardiac arrest. That would have definitely boosted ratings. 

Best Costume Des ..zzzzzzzzzzz

The Duchess - which I guess was a movie produced over the year sometime - just won the Oscar for Best Costume Design. The gentleman giving the acceptance speech - which I like to call "eyebrows on parade" seems nice, but he looks like he's going to lose control of his bowels on stage. That would be cool. Might help with ratings, too. Congrats, eyebrows dude.

Photo: Here

Robot Porn

Congrats to Wall-E for winning the Oscar for Best Animated Motion Picture. Wall-E rocked. Although, I did hear a 7-year-old say, "This film needs more explosions and more screaming."

Photo: Here

From Alcobendas with Love

It looks like Penelope Cruz has just won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Hmm. Didn't actually see Vicky Christina Barcelona, but you're almost guaranteed an Oscar when you're in an obscure Woody Allen movie in which the title of movie only contains the surname or nickname of the female lead. Good for her. She just gave part of her speech in Spanish. I wish I knew more Spanish. She could have said "I think you're all big-headed megalomanics, but thanks for this award that I will re-name Umberto" but I'll never know.

Photo: Here

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Throw Acid in my Eyes Please

An open letter to Pamela Anderson:

Dear Pam, (Can I call you Pam?)

Why? Why, Pamela Anderson, do you have to keep showing up at random events nude with a birthday cake or partially nude in gaudy, unflattering bedazzled fabrics? Are you testing our gag reflexes? Because mine works, thanks to this parade of old flesh at the Richie Rich's fashion show last night. I'd rather squeeze a lemon in my wide-open eyeball (and I love lemons - I would NEVER waste a lemon) than lay my eyes on another exhibition of jiggly outdated flesh like this again. You are done. New, more taut ass has replaced you in the celebrity nude exhibition category. We now have new up-and-comers like Audrina Patridge, Katy Perry and even old-ass Jennifer Aniston. Let's give them some room to do their thing. It's time to hang up the tattered thong, Pam. Put down that charcoal briquette you call 'eyeliner' and do something a little more meaningful. I don't mean teaming with PETA, either. Maybe you should take up scrapbooking or mentoring other tranny over-bronzered ho's. I mean, really. I would have enjoyed watching Bea Arthur shimmy up and down that runway last night. Because she's got flare - and the boots to match.

Wrap. It. up. 


Mickey Doyle

Photos: Getty, WENN

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Can Somebody Anybody Tell Me Whyyyy

So apparently, Bone Thugs N Harmony are considering a musical partnership with Kevin "looking like the kool-aid man" Federline. They're in talks of combining their forces to jump-start the career he never really had to begin with.  All I have to say is WHYYYY GOOOOD WHYYYYY. 

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

I'm Craving some Airline Penis

I guess if you're going to misspeak during a news broadcast, it should be repeating the word "penis" instead of "peanuts" one for five times. Poor Zain Verjee of CNN made this mistake when speaking of airline peanuts. 

It could have been worse you know. I'm still waiting for the newscast where she accidentally says "I prefer being teabagged" instead of saying "I prefer Lipton Teabags."

Holy Cryptkeeper, Batman

I had no idea that a skeleton with a bad hairdresser could pull off a strapless so well. 

Photo: Us Weekly

Michael Jackson Auctioning Off Most Treasured Items that May Or May Not Scare the Living Sh*t out of You

Holy Jebus in a rickshaw. I don't know about you, but I would love to wake up in the morning, turn off my alarm clock and lay my waking eyes on this lovely badboy. This robotic head, from Michael Jackson's video Moonwalker, is now up for auction along with a few other disturbing accoutrements. See the
whole collection here. The auction is being held in April at the Beverly Hills Hotel just in case you you need a pair of MJ bedazzled tube socks or a golf cart decorated with MJ as Peter Pan. Maybe someone will be able to turn the robotic head into a Robotic Head Telephone™! And I pity the fool who tries to steal my idea. I bet you didn't know that I'm the person who actually invented carb-free beer - true story. So put that in your rockies and tap it!

Photo: Defamer

WTF of the Day - The McNuggetini

Behold the McNuggetini. I. Shit. You. Not.

Someone created a recipe where you take a McDonalds chocolate milkshake and vodka - put it in a martini glass rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a McNugget and viola! The craziest combination of flavors since chocolate-covered bacon. Check out the whole recipe here.

Next up? The Spam and Yogurt Martini garnished with a meatball™. I think I'm on to something!

Monday, February 16, 2009

Today's Item I'd Like to Smear All Over My Body

Remember Jell-O Pudding Pops from back in the day? You had to bite through that thin icy coating to get through to the goods? I miss those. Far better than fudgesicles any day. Apparently PopSicle has brought Pudding Pops back to the shelves, but I have yet to try the new ones. Dear Pudding Pops, I would like to dive into a vat of you. Then smear you all over my body. 

The Haunting in Connecticut Movie Poster

I firmly believe that the cooler a movie poster looks, the more the movie is going to be a complete suck-splosion.

This poster sorta rocks. Which means I can toss this movie into the toilet with An American Haunting, The Unborn, The Haunting of Molly Hartley and any other movie with the word "haunting" in it.

This poster reminds me of that one gruesome scene in Poltergeist II: The Other Side when Craig T. Nelson drinks from that tequila bottle that has the possessed grody worm in it. Then he starts to throw up after ingesting the worm - THEN the worm morphs into the old creepy priest that sings, "God is iiiiiiiin, his holy tem-PLE, earthly thoughts ... be silent nooooow."

Yes. I remember the song. Sadly.

Anywho - the poster rocks. Ten bucks says the movie will. That makes me sad.

Random Ode to Steak

Perfectly grilled steak
I like you medium rare
In my porterhouse

Happy Presidents' Day

Happy Free Day Off, all! I'd just like to give a shout out to Los Presidentes. Is this a bad time to mention that I'm a distant cousin to John Wilkes Booth? (Seriously.) My bad, Abe. My bad. 

I'd like to celebrate Presidents' Day by posting this video of a woman going ape shit because she missed her international flight at the boarding gate. It's hands down one of the best bitch fits of this year so far.

And it's pretty much how I react when I have to do laundry. No lie.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Today's Item I would Like to Smear All Over My Body

Don't be mistaken by the new different types of cups. (e.g. Big Cups, Caramel Cups, Brownie Cups) Those are all crap. These will always rule on high as they are the classic milk chocolate and peanut butter. I love you Reese's. Let's exchange digits. Then I will smear you all over my body.

It's a Good Thing He Didn't Wear Overalls.

There's nothing funnier on a Sunday afternoon than an old cruster trying to get dressed while hammied on the beach. The best part? There are a gaggle of teenagers filming the entire spectacle with their camera phones - and laughing - LOUDLY - the entire time. He's absolutely clueless. 

Drunk Guy Confuses Pants With His Shirt - Watch more Funny Videos

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Eff this Retail-driven Pseudo Holiday

I cannot construe to all of you how much I hate this freaking "holiday." Before I begin to stomp all over your murmurs of "damn, she must be single," let it be known that I do have a boyfriend. And I still hate this wretched holiday. The overwhelming societal and retail-driven pressures to participate in this ridiculous "display" of affection nauseate me to no end. We all know why this is. It's a goddam couples holiday. If you're not in a relationship (cats, dogs and hamsters not included), then you're nudged into the "possible loser" drawer of the societal dresser. Cupid forgot about your video game-playing/scrapbooking ass. And you get to enjoy watching all your involved coworkers get roses and bullshit stuffed animal deliveries at work. 

All the single folks get to hate February 14 unless they're dating a special someone who may/may not participate in the day's expectations. Those who are fresh out of a relationship feel the need to make this day into the epitome of all Lexapro-laden hazes and those in a brand new relationship don't know if it's appropriate to participate at the risk of sending mixed signals. If you've been on two dates with a love interest/booty call - you're not sure if two dates necessitates red roses and a box of measly Russel Stovers from Rite Aid. What kind of message would that send? Maybe commitment? Maybe stalking? 

Remember those days in elementary school when you made your parents buy you that box of Wonder Woman/Transformers perforated V-Day cards you could sign and plop into the hand-made valentine slot at the front of your classmates' desks? Those were the days. No strings. No worries. No commitment. No "respecting somebody in the morning." No mixed signals. If only giving someone a Valentine Day's card these days didn't spell "Yes, I would like some trim, please" or "Hopefully spending $5.99 on this greeting card that sings "Wild Thing" will get me a 9 oz. porterhouse and the joy of second base."

Of course, married couples are absolutely obligated to buy/make/plant/cook something/anything for their spouse. You know those Kay Jewelers commercials? You know to which commercials I'm referring. The ones with the cookie cutter Cosby family eating dinner in their two-story bungalow when their 3-year-old waddles up clutching a 2-carat Infinity-cut Hearts Ablazened Forever Ring for the mom? Come on. Seriously. In this economy, who's buying 2-carat rings? I did a bit of anthropological observing at a local Rite-Aid earlier in the evening. Men and women were both scouting the shelves for the chinsiest teddy bears holding little furry hearts, cotton boxers with hearts on them and pre-packaged baskets containing a flurry of 'love gifts'. Not one of those people wanted to spend more than $9.99 on a V-Day gift. Interesting. Of course I didn't go to a local Kay Jewelers to do any observing of foot traffic, but really, I didn't need to. 

Earlier I went to Elephant Bar restaurant with my boyfriend and we noticed a guy walking in with a handful of balloons, a gift bag with a stuffed teddy bear hanging out and a single yellow rose. As he was walking toward his table, every man and woman in the place (and it was packed) was maddogging that guy - hardcore. Every man was quietly cursing the guy for bearing such elaborate V-day gifts and making every other bare-handed man in the place look like clueless dorkwads, and every woman in the place was cursing that guy because their boyfriend/lover/husband didn't bring them squat but a $1.99 Shoebox Greeting. 

The pressure to complete the V-day gesture is enormous. Even if a couple doesn't believe in this stupid retail-driven pseudo holiday, they'll still buy each other small tokens in case the gods of Saint Valentine are watching from afar, ready to cap their asses for not conforming.

My boyfriend and I don't believe in this stupid holiday, but there we were, both "needing to run a few errands." We both returned with something for the other. Such sheep. 

If I ever see cupid, I'm shanking that little bastard in the neck.

Eff this stupid holiday. 

End rant.

ps. The e-card previewed above comes from They have the most awesome smart-ass e-greetings for those who don't like the conventional e-cards. They're crass, but hilarious.