The 'Eff You' Heard 'Round the World

If you live on the moon and didn't watch the Oscars last night, you missed the most awesome verbal flip-off of the century. Beyonce belted the song At Last in the mish-mash that was one of the most hideous odes-to-musicals I've ever heard. If you don't know the current feud between Beyonce and Etta James over this song, allow me to recap:

Phase One: Beyonce receives permission from Etta James to portray Etta James in movie Cadillac Records.

Phase Two: Beyonce and Etta James pose for pictures together on the red carpet for premier of Cadillac Records. They are friendly and happy. Their menstrual cycles align.

Phase Three: Beyonce sings At Last at the presidential inauguration on January 20. 

Phase Four: At the beginning of February, Etta James performed at a concert in Seattle. While performing, she said, "... he [Obama] had that woman [Beyonce] singing MY song. She gon' get her ass whooped. I can't stand Beyonce." 

Phase Five: Fully in-the-know regarding Etta's spontaneous feelings of hate, Beyonce throws a little At Last into the musical mix at the Oscars, once more sticking it to Etta - and possibly sparking an "ass whooping" from the crazy bag lady.

I would be very careful, Beyonce. Even your little alter ego, "Sasha Fierce," is no match for Etta James' alter ego, "Crazy Rhonda 'Razor Blades and Vaseline' Jenkins." 

Photos/Source: Us Weekly, TMZ

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I have an unhealthy obsession with cupcakes. The way they look, how they're made and how they taste. Specifically, Sprinkles Cupcakes. They're like tasty, spongy, balls of delicious art in a box. I have yet to actually taste a Sprinkles Cupcake, but one day I will. And when I do, I will smear it all over my body. And yes, I said 'balls.'

Photo: Sprinkles

Sean Penn is Best Actor - (or he would have beat you with a pipe wrench)

Sean Penn won the Oscar for Best Actor in the movie Milk. The movie was phenomenal, so if you haven't seen it, go see it. Or Sean Penn will personally beat you down with a pipe wrench until you say uncle - or bleed the word uncle on to the pavement.

Photo: Oscar

I'll Never Let Go, Jack

Kate Winslet just won the Oscar for Best Actress. I was rooting for Anne Hathaway because she was remarkable in Rachel Getting Married - and because she's got an amazing rack. Amazing racks don't go unrecognized here, my ample-busted beauty.

Photo: Oscar

Jerry Lewis Got an Award

Eddie "downward spiral" Murphy presented the Jean Hersholt Humanitarian Award to Jerry Lewis. Damn, he looks really good for his age. He even pulled one of his "crazy faces" after accepting the award. Good for him. He'll be showered with bitches now.

Photo: Here

Best Costume Des ..zzzzzzzzzzz

The Duchess - which I guess was a movie produced over the year sometime - just won the Oscar for Best Costume Design. The gentleman giving the acceptance speech - which I like to call "eyebrows on parade" seems nice, but he looks like he's going to lose control of his bowels on stage. That would be cool. Might help with ratings, too. Congrats, eyebrows dude.

Photo: Here

Robot Porn

Congrats to Wall-E for winning the Oscar for Best Animated Motion Picture. Wall-E rocked. Although, I did hear a 7-year-old say, "This film needs more explosions and more screaming."

Photo: Here

From Alcobendas with Love

It looks like Penelope Cruz has just won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. Hmm. Didn't actually see Vicky Christina Barcelona, but you're almost guaranteed an Oscar when you're in an obscure Woody Allen movie in which the title of movie only contains the surname or nickname of the female lead. Good for her. She just gave part of her speech in Spanish. I wish I knew more Spanish. She could have said "I think you're all big-headed megalomanics, but thanks for this award that I will re-name Umberto" but I'll never know.

Photo: Here

Diamonds Aren't a Girl's Best Friend After All

Holy crizzap. I just finished watching the Oscars(R), and I'm thrilled to report a whole bunch of folks in wondrous and extravagant clothing won awards. Most importantly, Diablo Cody, screenwriter and former stripper, won an Oscar(R) for her screenplay for Juno.

In other news, Ms. Cody was scheduled to wear a pair of million-dollar Stuart Weitzman shoes created for her Oscar(R) appearance. These magical shoes, encrusted with vintage diamond roses, were given to her to sport on the red carpet and was surprisingly highly publicized in Media Land. When she found out that Weitzman was getting free publicity via her appearance, Ms. Cody lashed out on her myspace blog and then decided to wear gold ballerina flats instead. That's a big ol' eff you to Weitzman and all you capitalizing pigs! 

At this time, I'd like to give Ms. Cody a set of eProps for not selling out to the man.  Congrats on your win, Diablo. Betta recognize, biatches. Mazal tov.

Truthfully, I would have worn the shoes and nothing else. Maybe some matching pasties and a diamond-encrusted loincloth would get some screen time on E! Network. Or better yet, the remains of a slain deer. 

Ryan Seacrest: "Wow, Mickey Doyle is looking great in those diamond-studded shoes -- and the new "Bambi Aftermath Couture" by Balenciaga. Who would have thought that a carrion by this fabulous designer would have made such a statement. Too bad it smells like a rotting corpse and warm garbage."

Photo courtesy of SF Gate.com.