SJP Expecting Twins, Broderick Expecting Mutton Chops

In today's random celebrity news, Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are expecting twin girls later this summer through a surrogate pregnancy. This news is a bit shocking given that a few weeks ago it was reported that Ferris was banging some random chick and they were supposedly getting a divorce. Hollywood works in mysterious ways. 

Congrats to the lucky couple. As long as this twin mishmash doesn't interfere with a 2nd SATC movie, I'm nails. 

Sidenote: I really hope Broderick is filming Maverick 2 soon; those burns have got to go.

Photo: AP/Peter Kramer

Source: Huffington Post

Today's WTF: Sully's Flight

You know, I don't usually go on rants regarding the unraveling of the fabric of society - until now. I give you Laminar Research. Laminar decided to create an iPhone app simulating the 'interesting' landing of Chesley Sullenberger's plane safely onto the Hudson River. In fact it simulates, in real time, the actual flight path of 'Sully's Flight'. 

That's all fine and dandy if you want to play "Flight of the Navigator" with one of history's most heroic events, but - REALLY? Because if you don't succeed playing this app, you crash the plane and your simulated people die in a firey death. 

Here is one of the first reviews on iTunes regarding this app: 

Stop complaining about [hitting] the birds and crash that is the point of the app! Very cool.

Seriously? Does anybody find this to be a little poor in taste besides me - or am I just disgruntled because I haven't eaten? The plane actually suffers engine failure as a result of a bird strike and features the actual audio communication between air traffic control and US Airways Flight 1549. 

The clincher is that they're charging 99 cents to purchase the app. They're capitalizing on something that could have turned out horrible. What's next? An app called "The Chris Brown Beat Down?" That's an app where you can either be in control of Chris Brown's heavy pimp hand or you can fight back by controlling Rihanna. I mean, it's okay to create that app because she didn't die, right? Here's an even better one - let's create an app called "Schindler's List" where you can use your accelerometer to safely guide Jews into Schindler's Factory of Life - but don't be detected by the Gestapo or GAME OVER. This app rules because the real Jews in Schindler's factory lived, right? 

Jesus, folks. Let's use some tact when thinking of "games" we can play on our iPhone. I mean, I like a good More Cowbell app or Dizzy Bee app just as much as the next guy, but that's where my fascination stops. I don't need to guide a crashing plane to a soft landing or help save a baby seal from being clubbed on my phone to pass the time while I'm waiting for my car to be washed.

Source: TMZ

His Brother Darryl Really Is A D*ck

Whatdoyaknow? For those of you familiar with Dane Cook's "Harmful if Swallowed" comedy album, you should be familiar with the BK Lounge skit where he -- very emphatically says: "My brother Darryl, he was the manager [of Burger King] - I thought he would hook me up; HE WAS A D*CK." 

Well guess what? Turns out he was. Dane Cook's half brother, Darryl, has been indicted by a grand jury for allegedly stealing millions from King of all D-Bags™.

His older bro was charged with eight counts of larceny over $250, forgery and larceny by continuous scheme. According to prosecutors, McCauley once forged a $3 million check written from Cook's account to himself.

McCauley allegedly pulled off the scheme while Dane paid him $12,500 a month to be his personal business manager. McCauley has denied any wrongdoing. 

Well look who went from a $12,500/month salary to possibly eating fruit salad off the prison room floor?  

ps. What bank teller takes a $3 million check from a customer and goes, "Oh, $3 million. That seems legit." Really.

Photo: Here

Source: Here

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

The easy button. If only it were real - I could then finish writing my current project and follow that up with a somersault  into into a vat of red velvet Sprinkles Cupcakes. Wait, what was I talking about? 

Oh yeah - DAMN YOU IMAGINARY EASY BUTTON!

Photo: Some Christian Blog

Mickey Doyle's Handy Dandy Guide to Grossing out the Public with an Infomercial

Here is Mickey Doyle's Handy Dandy Guide to Grossing Out the Public with an Infomerical:

Step One: Introduce a product that scrapes, files, clips or tweezes any part of the human body.

Step Two: Actually demonstrate said actions (e.g. filing, clipping, tweezing, scraping) on parts of body ON CAMERA for all the viewers to enjoy.

Step Three: Display side-by-side comparison photographs of a busted-up body part that hasn't used the product and a photograph of a nice beautiful body part that has used the product.

Step Four: Repeat all three steps for 8 minutes straight. With old ladies.

Case in point : Ped-Egg.

There are just so many things wrong with this infomercial - all of which having nothing to do with with the part where someone dumps 12 ounces of pure foot dust/shavings/nastiness onto a towel.

I Just Don't Get it: The Jonas Brothers

I just don't get it. 

They're like Hanson, only they're wrapped inside a crunchy Ricardo Montalban shell, dipped in an exotic Antonio Banderas chocolatey layer, and smeared with a candy coating of better publicists.

And judging by their songs, which I've heard only in passing, their testicles have definitely dropped. (As compared to Hanson, where ... well, you've heard MMM Bop.)

Source: USA Today

Random Urban Dictionary Word of the Day: LOL Theory

LOL Theory: The theory that the internet phrase, lol, meaning "laugh out loud," can be placed at any part of any sentence and make said sentence lose all credibility and seriousness.

Example 1 - Doctor: we need to operate on your colon lol, you have cancer

Example 2 - Jesus: Take this all of you and eat it, it is my body, lol.

Example 3 - Me: Will you marry me? Lol.

Source: Urban Dictionary

Photo: Here

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I'm not too crazy about the peanut butter patties or thin mints, but Samoas - you are bombdigadocious*. Even though you'd feel like an exfoliation treatment, I would like to devour you ... and then smear you all over my body.

*word dedicated to my good friend Christopher F.M.

Photo: Here

We Missed You, Adam Sandler

I'm really looking forward to seeing Funny People, the new movie directed by Judd Apatow, set to be released in July. I'm smelling a quasi-comeback for Sandler! You also get a pinch of Apatow's regulars (Seth Rogen, Leslie Mann, Jonah Hill, pink eye, etc.). Check out the trailer.

Now We're Cooking with G-ass

Paula Deen made an appearance at the South Beach Food & Wine Festival when she made it visually apparent her pants were falling due to her microphone pack. She didn't expect them to drop around her ankles. Pigs in a Blanket anyone? 

The 'Eff You' Heard 'Round the World

If you live on the moon and didn't watch the Oscars last night, you missed the most awesome verbal flip-off of the century. Beyonce belted the song At Last in the mish-mash that was one of the most hideous odes-to-musicals I've ever heard. If you don't know the current feud between Beyonce and Etta James over this song, allow me to recap:

Phase One: Beyonce receives permission from Etta James to portray Etta James in movie Cadillac Records.

Phase Two: Beyonce and Etta James pose for pictures together on the red carpet for premier of Cadillac Records. They are friendly and happy. Their menstrual cycles align.

Phase Three: Beyonce sings At Last at the presidential inauguration on January 20. 

Phase Four: At the beginning of February, Etta James performed at a concert in Seattle. While performing, she said, "... he [Obama] had that woman [Beyonce] singing MY song. She gon' get her ass whooped. I can't stand Beyonce." 

Phase Five: Fully in-the-know regarding Etta's spontaneous feelings of hate, Beyonce throws a little At Last into the musical mix at the Oscars, once more sticking it to Etta - and possibly sparking an "ass whooping" from the crazy bag lady.

I would be very careful, Beyonce. Even your little alter ego, "Sasha Fierce," is no match for Etta James' alter ego, "Crazy Rhonda 'Razor Blades and Vaseline' Jenkins." 

Photos/Source: Us Weekly, TMZ

Today's WTF

It looks like ole' duck lips here put her finger in an electric socket to get her frosted hair helmet of doom just right. This is the kind of hot tranny mess you find at a teenage beauty pageant. 

Unless you're tap dancing to Me and My Shadow in a tu-tu, keep this shiz off the red carpet. It has a rep to protect.

Photo: Here 

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I have an unhealthy obsession with cupcakes. The way they look, how they're made and how they taste. Specifically, Sprinkles Cupcakes. They're like tasty, spongy, balls of delicious art in a box. I have yet to actually taste a Sprinkles Cupcake, but one day I will. And when I do, I will smear it all over my body. And yes, I said 'balls.'

Photo: Sprinkles

Death to Snuggie

For the love of all that is holy and unsightly, who invented "The Snuggie?" This poor excuse for a blanket/robe is mind baffling. Sure, you'll stay warm while doing "things" with your arms, but who really wants to look like Obi Wan Kenobi or a faaaabulous monk? 

And does anybody make anything in black or white anymore? I would even be happy with an earth tone color of some sort - but lucky buyers get to choose from SEAFOAM, OPULENT RED, or SKY BLUE. 

They forgot to mention that the Snuggie can easily go up in flames should you fall asleep holding a burning cigarette in one hand and a fohty of Natty Ice in the other. I'm definitely not buying it now. There's no way I'm getting rid of my menthol lights.

Photo: Here

Throw Acid in my Eyes Please

An open letter to Pamela Anderson:

Dear Pam, (Can I call you Pam?)

Why? Why, Pamela Anderson, do you have to keep showing up at random events nude with a birthday cake or partially nude in gaudy, unflattering bedazzled fabrics? Are you testing our gag reflexes? Because mine works, thanks to this parade of old flesh at the Richie Rich's fashion show last night. I'd rather squeeze a lemon in my wide-open eyeball (and I love lemons - I would NEVER waste a lemon) than lay my eyes on another exhibition of jiggly outdated flesh like this again. You are done. New, more taut ass has replaced you in the celebrity nude exhibition category. We now have new up-and-comers like Audrina Patridge, Katy Perry and even old-ass Jennifer Aniston. Let's give them some room to do their thing. It's time to hang up the tattered thong, Pam. Put down that charcoal briquette you call 'eyeliner' and do something a little more meaningful. I don't mean teaming with PETA, either. Maybe you should take up scrapbooking or mentoring other tranny over-bronzered ho's. I mean, really. I would have enjoyed watching Bea Arthur shimmy up and down that runway last night. Because she's got flare - and the boots to match.

Wrap. It. up. 

XOXO & KIT, 

Mickey Doyle

Photos: Getty, WENN

Can Somebody Anybody Tell Me Whyyyy

So apparently, Bone Thugs N Harmony are considering a musical partnership with Kevin "looking like the kool-aid man" Federline. They're in talks of combining their forces to jump-start the career he never really had to begin with.  All I have to say is WHYYYY GOOOOD WHYYYYY. 

Photo: Fame Pictures

I'm Craving some Airline Penis

I guess if you're going to misspeak during a news broadcast, it should be repeating the word "penis" instead of "peanuts" one for five times. Poor Zain Verjee of CNN made this mistake when speaking of airline peanuts. 

It could have been worse you know. I'm still waiting for the newscast where she accidentally says "I prefer being teabagged" instead of saying "I prefer Lipton Teabags."

Holy Cryptkeeper, Batman

I had no idea that a skeleton with a bad hairdresser could pull off a strapless so well. 

Photo: Us Weekly

Michael Jackson Auctioning Off Most Treasured Items that May Or May Not Scare the Living Sh*t out of You

Holy Jebus in a rickshaw. I don't know about you, but I would love to wake up in the morning, turn off my alarm clock and lay my waking eyes on this lovely badboy. This robotic head, from Michael Jackson's video Moonwalker, is now up for auction along with a few other disturbing accoutrements. See the whole collection here. The auction is being held in April at the Beverly Hills Hotel just in case you you need a pair of MJ bedazzled tube socks or a golf cart decorated with MJ as Peter Pan. Maybe someone will be able to turn the robotic head into a Robotic Head Telephone™! And I pity the fool who tries to steal my idea. I bet you didn't know that I'm the person who actually invented carb-free beer - true story. So put that in your rockies and tap it!

Photo: Defamer

WTF of the Day - The McNuggetini

Behold the McNuggetini. I. Shit. You. Not.

Someone created a recipe where you take a McDonalds chocolate milkshake and vodka - put it in a martini glass rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a McNugget and viola! The craziest combination of flavors since chocolate-covered bacon. Check out the whole recipe here.

Next up? The Spam and Yogurt Martini garnished with a meatball™. I think I'm on to something!

Photo: This Recording