The 'Eff You' Heard 'Round the World

If you live on the moon and didn't watch the Oscars last night, you missed the most awesome verbal flip-off of the century. Beyonce belted the song At Last in the mish-mash that was one of the most hideous odes-to-musicals I've ever heard. If you don't know the current feud between Beyonce and Etta James over this song, allow me to recap:

Phase One: Beyonce receives permission from Etta James to portray Etta James in movie Cadillac Records.

Phase Two: Beyonce and Etta James pose for pictures together on the red carpet for premier of Cadillac Records. They are friendly and happy. Their menstrual cycles align.

Phase Three: Beyonce sings At Last at the presidential inauguration on January 20. 

Phase Four: At the beginning of February, Etta James performed at a concert in Seattle. While performing, she said, "... he [Obama] had that woman [Beyonce] singing MY song. She gon' get her ass whooped. I can't stand Beyonce." 

Phase Five: Fully in-the-know regarding Etta's spontaneous feelings of hate, Beyonce throws a little At Last into the musical mix at the Oscars, once more sticking it to Etta - and possibly sparking an "ass whooping" from the crazy bag lady.

I would be very careful, Beyonce. Even your little alter ego, "Sasha Fierce," is no match for Etta James' alter ego, "Crazy Rhonda 'Razor Blades and Vaseline' Jenkins." 

Photos/Source: Us Weekly, TMZ

Today's WTF

It looks like ole' duck lips here put her finger in an electric socket to get her frosted hair helmet of doom just right. This is the kind of hot tranny mess you find at a teenage beauty pageant. 

Unless you're tap dancing to Me and My Shadow in a tu-tu, keep this shiz off the red carpet. It has a rep to protect.

Photo: Here 

Today's Item I Would Like to Smear All Over My Body

I have an unhealthy obsession with cupcakes. The way they look, how they're made and how they taste. Specifically, Sprinkles Cupcakes. They're like tasty, spongy, balls of delicious art in a box. I have yet to actually taste a Sprinkles Cupcake, but one day I will. And when I do, I will smear it all over my body. And yes, I said 'balls.'

Photo: Sprinkles

Death to Snuggie

For the love of all that is holy and unsightly, who invented "The Snuggie?" This poor excuse for a blanket/robe is mind baffling. Sure, you'll stay warm while doing "things" with your arms, but who really wants to look like Obi Wan Kenobi or a faaaabulous monk? 

And does anybody make anything in black or white anymore? I would even be happy with an earth tone color of some sort - but lucky buyers get to choose from SEAFOAM, OPULENT RED, or SKY BLUE. 

They forgot to mention that the Snuggie can easily go up in flames should you fall asleep holding a burning cigarette in one hand and a fohty of Natty Ice in the other. I'm definitely not buying it now. There's no way I'm getting rid of my menthol lights.

Photo: Here

Throw Acid in my Eyes Please

An open letter to Pamela Anderson:

Dear Pam, (Can I call you Pam?)

Why? Why, Pamela Anderson, do you have to keep showing up at random events nude with a birthday cake or partially nude in gaudy, unflattering bedazzled fabrics? Are you testing our gag reflexes? Because mine works, thanks to this parade of old flesh at the Richie Rich's fashion show last night. I'd rather squeeze a lemon in my wide-open eyeball (and I love lemons - I would NEVER waste a lemon) than lay my eyes on another exhibition of jiggly outdated flesh like this again. You are done. New, more taut ass has replaced you in the celebrity nude exhibition category. We now have new up-and-comers like Audrina Patridge, Katy Perry and even old-ass Jennifer Aniston. Let's give them some room to do their thing. It's time to hang up the tattered thong, Pam. Put down that charcoal briquette you call 'eyeliner' and do something a little more meaningful. I don't mean teaming with PETA, either. Maybe you should take up scrapbooking or mentoring other tranny over-bronzered ho's. I mean, really. I would have enjoyed watching Bea Arthur shimmy up and down that runway last night. Because she's got flare - and the boots to match.

Wrap. It. up. 

XOXO & KIT, 

Mickey Doyle

Photos: Getty, WENN

Can Somebody Anybody Tell Me Whyyyy

So apparently, Bone Thugs N Harmony are considering a musical partnership with Kevin "looking like the kool-aid man" Federline. They're in talks of combining their forces to jump-start the career he never really had to begin with.  All I have to say is WHYYYY GOOOOD WHYYYYY. 

Photo: Fame Pictures

I'm Craving some Airline Penis

I guess if you're going to misspeak during a news broadcast, it should be repeating the word "penis" instead of "peanuts" one for five times. Poor Zain Verjee of CNN made this mistake when speaking of airline peanuts. 

It could have been worse you know. I'm still waiting for the newscast where she accidentally says "I prefer being teabagged" instead of saying "I prefer Lipton Teabags."

Holy Cryptkeeper, Batman

I had no idea that a skeleton with a bad hairdresser could pull off a strapless so well. 

Photo: Us Weekly

Michael Jackson Auctioning Off Most Treasured Items that May Or May Not Scare the Living Sh*t out of You

Holy Jebus in a rickshaw. I don't know about you, but I would love to wake up in the morning, turn off my alarm clock and lay my waking eyes on this lovely badboy. This robotic head, from Michael Jackson's video Moonwalker, is now up for auction along with a few other disturbing accoutrements. See the whole collection here. The auction is being held in April at the Beverly Hills Hotel just in case you you need a pair of MJ bedazzled tube socks or a golf cart decorated with MJ as Peter Pan. Maybe someone will be able to turn the robotic head into a Robotic Head Telephone™! And I pity the fool who tries to steal my idea. I bet you didn't know that I'm the person who actually invented carb-free beer - true story. So put that in your rockies and tap it!

Photo: Defamer

WTF of the Day - The McNuggetini

Behold the McNuggetini. I. Shit. You. Not.

Someone created a recipe where you take a McDonalds chocolate milkshake and vodka - put it in a martini glass rimmed with BBQ sauce and garnished with a McNugget and viola! The craziest combination of flavors since chocolate-covered bacon. Check out the whole recipe here.

Next up? The Spam and Yogurt Martini garnished with a meatball™. I think I'm on to something!

Photo: This Recording